on processing this weird “break up”

This “break up” or “being ghosted” or whatever this is has got me all twisted up. I know it has only been three weeks now, it still consumes me. I am still shocked that J could do this.

I think I am an intuitive person and at this point in my life I certainly am not naive anymore. How did I get so duped by someone? How did I not see any signs?

I get that it is not about me. I do NOT feel bad about myself. I don’t beat myself up. I know that for someone to do this they would have to be pretty screwed up. Still, even though what he did is very wrong, I have some compassion for him. I mean, he MUST be really messed up to hurt another person like this.

Three and a half weeks later, I AM doing better. I still go between emotions of sadness and anger. I am hurt, I feel betrayed. Sometimes the pain is so intense I sob. Honestly, I don’t even know how I feel about the break up, because I am more hurt by HOW he did it. To just stop talking to me. To act like I am nothing, it is such a betrayal and so disrespectful of me.

After two days of silence from him, I knew it was not going to work out. I did not want it to, at that point, because I can’t be with someone who would do this. I have too much love and respect for myself. But, at that point, I still had hope that he would reach out to me to talk, to end things in an appropriate way.

I haven’t tried to reach out to him again. I won’t. I still don’t know why or what happened.  Nobody over a sixth grade level ends things over a text or an unanswered question.

Maybe I was a rebound from his divorce, a distraction. Maybe he is a narcissist and gets off on screwing people over like this. Maybe he thought he wanted a relationship, but, as ours progressed, it scared him and he just bailed. I don’t know.

I just never saw any signs. That is the hardest part. He never pulled away or stopped talking to me less or seeing me less, he still came on as strong as he always had before with his compliments and attention.  I never saw a glimpse of a person in him that could do this, who could turn so cold and cruel so quickly.

I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard after only six months together.  My counselor says no matter how long something is or was, pain is still pain. True. My counselor says that these type of breakups always take longer to get over then if it would have been a “normal” break up.  I have talked to other people that have had similar experiences and they say the same. No closure combined with his coldness makes it hard, but, really in any relationship ending, closure has to come from ourselves anyway. And I know it will come in time.

There are many things I do not know and will probably never know. But, what I do know is this:

It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t anything I did. There is nothing a person could do that would justify this kind of reaction from someone. A person that could do this to another has some serious issues. I get that. And I will not let this turn me off from future relationships or make it hard to trust someone again. I am just not going to let it. I will take the time I need to process this and get over him and what happened, so, someday, when I am ready, I won’t let it affect my next relationship. That is very important to me.

How good of a relationship would I have someday, anyway, if I can’t trust and make myself vulnerable? What is even the point then? So, no, I won’t hold it against someone else. I am not a bitter person, and this does not make me bitter towards men or relationships. J is just one person, just one man. Why hold this against every member of the opposite sex? I don’t and I won’t.

I am still glad I met J. My relationship with him was very fun and exciting and loving.  I had an amazing time with him. We had a lot of fun together, laughed a lot, had the same kind of sense of humor, we could talk on the phone forever and the conversation always flowed, amazing sex and lots of affection, we had a lot in common … all those things that I wanted. I didn’t even know I could feel that way, or trust someone like I did him, so this experience taught me that I can. J showed me that I can, even if he screwed me over in the end.

I still choose to look at the positives in this experience and in him and our relationship. I don’t want to go back, but I do appreciate it, for some strange reason. I met someone and I took a risk. I am glad I did.

I have compassion for him. And some love too. I miss him. That being said, I also think what he did was selfish and cowardly, he disrespected and betrayed me.  I have compassion, but not tolerance.  I would never take him back.  I don’t hate him and I don’t want to hate him. I really hope he gets the help that he needs.

And me? I am hurting, but I will let go and move on, eventually.  I am not ready yet.  I am a strong person and this certainly isn’t going to break me. I will feel all the feelings, I will process, I will grieve, it is a loss. It is crazy and I am just trying to make sense of it the best I can. 

I don’t know why. Only J knows, and he isn’t saying.

Still, as always, no regrets.


on first dates

I was 43 when I had my very first date.  Seriously.  I never really dated before. It was more, like, “Hi, I’m Dolores, nice to meet you, wanna live together now?” Then, 3 or 4 months later I am lying in bed next to someone thinking to myself, “How the hell did I get here?” I haven’t lived with THAT many people, but, I did always jump in and then regret it pretty quickly.

After a really unhealthy relationship ended several years ago, I decided I was going to stay single, and learn how to be happy on my own. Anytime, before, in my adult life, that I had been single, I always felt unhappy. So, it was very important to me that I took some time to figure out who I was, what makes me happy and how to love myself.

I didn’t know it was going to be three and a half years before I dated again. That was by choice too. Weird, but also, very cool.

At the end of that three and a half years, I had better self-esteem.  For the first time in my life, I felt good about myself, my life, my past, all of it.  I did a lot of self searching and hard work those years.  I had friends again, and hobbies. That is when I started to realize, “Yeah, it would be pretty cool to meet somebody again, I think I am ready”.

I always said I would never do on line dating. I was too shy and it sounded frightening. But, when I reached that point where I knew I was ready again, I went for it. I set up a couple of profiles. I was scared out of my mind. I thought, “What if no one responds?” I laugh at that now, because it is so easy for a woman on line.

What I discovered is dating is really fun! I enjoy it. I have met so many great men (a few creeps too), but, mostly, it has been a pretty positive experience for me.  It really made me comfortable around men again, it made me realize I can put myself out there with no expectations and still have fun. I discovered I like dating and if something is meant to happen, it will.  If not, well, I’m still having fun meeting people.

My first date.  I was 43.  We met at a coffee shop.  He wanted to go out to dinner, but I needed to meet some place low-key.  We talked for a couple of hours.  It was easier than I thought it was going to be.  He was really nice and easy to talk to.  One of the first things he said was, “Wow, it is nice to meet somebody who actually looks like their pictures!”  Funny.  I think about that experience now and how if it had gone the other way, I probably wouldn’t have gone on another date. Like ever.  Thankfully,  it was a good first date.  I do not remember his name anymore, I just remember it was a good experience and he was sweet.

I’m glad I tried on line dating.  I’m glad I did something that terrified me.  Dating has given me a lot more confidence in myself and showed me I can be open and vulnerable and it is ok.

On line dating has ALSO given me A LOT of great, funny, crazy, (and inappropriate) stories.  Which is pretty awesome too!

I’m not ready to date anyone right now.  I need to get over J first.   But, eventually, I will date again.  I’m still open.

on being sort of “ghosted”

J and I had been together almost six months … six amazing months of talking, laughing, good sex, growing close.  We never argued, not once.  I adored him.  I loved him.  I thought he was amazing.  And he told me all the same things … how beautiful and sexy I was, what a good person I was, how sweet I was, how he was so lucky, how I made him smile when he would think about me during his day.  I felt loved and safe with him.  I trusted him.

I never saw it coming.

It was a Friday night.  We had plans the next day, we were going snowshoeing.  I thought I was staying at his place after.  When we were together on Saturdays, I always stayed the night.  So, I guess I was wrong to assume that I would be staying the night, but, probably, anyone would have in my case.

We were on the phone, that Friday night, making plans, and he said he was doing something with his niece that Saturday night.  I remember getting annoyed and telling him I always stayed the night, I just assumed I was. We didn’t argue … there was not any yelling or rude comments.  Still, it was our first conflict.  Our first one ever.

I took a bath and called him back.  I wanted to make sure we were fine.  I felt a little insecure after the conflict happened, because it was the first one, and I know how easy it is to make assumptions or have unanswered questions.  He said he was fine.  I told him if he was still upset or had anything to say or ask me he could.  I just wanted to make sure we were ok.  He laughed at me and said, “I’m fine, Honey”.   I said, “Ok, I believe you”.  We talked about other stuff for a bit, said good night, and he told me that he loved me.

The next day, the last time I saw him,  we were together about six hours.  We drove up to the mountain.  I thought we had a good day, nothing unusual, he took a picture of me, we laughed and talked and snowshoed.  I showed him a beautiful view of Mt St Helens that I had found the last time I was there.  He dropped me off mid afternoon, messaged me later and said, “I’m home, Honey, have a good night”.

The next morning, we both said a quick good morning through text.  I was meeting friends for brunch and he was picking up some guys that were back from deployment at the airport.

Later that evening, I messaged him and asked him if he wanted to catch up on the phone later on before bed.  His response was, “Think I’ll pass, don’t want you getting angry with me over something I didn’t do”.  I was shocked. What was he talking about?  I texted him back, asking him what was going on.  I said, “I thought we were ok, you said we were ok when I asked you.”  He never responded to me.  I left him two voicemails that night asking to talk about whatever this was.  I left him a couple more text messages telling him I loved him and whatever this was I wanted to work this out.  No response.

Monday, nothing.

Tuesday morning, I sent him a quick text telling him I missed him and I hope he is doing ok.  No response.

Wednesday, nothing.

Thursday after work, I lost it.  I was sobbing and crying.  Why is he doing this?  Why would he just ignore me like this?  I texted him again letting him know I am here for him, that I wanted to talk about it, I am not mad, just hurt.  No response.  I left him another voicemail telling him I am so confused, I didn’t know what was going on.  No response.

Friday morning, I broke down crying at work.  I was so shocked by this behavior.  I trusted him, I felt safe with him, what was going on?  I couldn’t get it together.  I left work and left town for the weekend by myself, I needed to get away.  Saturday, he posted pictures on his IG account from our last day together.  Weird.  I reached out to him again with a short text that night telling him I loved and missed him, if this wasn’t going to work out, that is ok, but couldn’t we at least talk about it and part as friends?  I just didn’t get it.  No response.

Sunday evening, one week since he spoke to me, I reached out again.  I left him a voicemail.  I was crying.  I told him I knew this wasn’t going to work out, and that I am ok with that, I don’t want to be with someone that could do this, but, couldn’t he just tell me what happened?

He did respond that time.  In a text message.  He said something about how he is not going to have an emotionally charged conversation and something about the text messages, which I didn’t understand what he meant, (he was pretty vague).  Then, he said, that I was mad about one question he did not answer.  I didn’t (and still don’t) even know what he was talking about … this question … I have no clue.  He told me he does not want to work it out, or talk about it, but, he does think I deserve an answer.  That is it.  That is all he said.  His last words were “best of luck”.  Best of luck?  Really?  I left him one last voicemail.  I told him, “I wish you would man up and talk to me.  I think you are a pussy for ending it like this.  I feel sorry for whatever woman comes into your life next”.  Then, one final text thanking him for letting me see who he really was.  I deleted him off all of my social media, because, through out the whole week of him ignoring me, he was still watching all of my stories that I posted daily on IG.  Strange.

For me, it was a short, but intense,  relationship.  I was happy with him, with how things were going.  It is not the break up that devastated me as much as the way he chose to end things.  It was the way he did it, so cold and cruel, that hurts so much.  I feel used and betrayed.  I feel angry too.  I do not understand why.  I probably never will know.  How could someone who told me that he loved me all the time do a complete 180 like that with no warning?  How could someone who professed to care so much about me not even want to be my friend?  I will never have the answers.  I will eventually have to find peace about all of it.  I’m not there yet.  It’s only been two weeks.

In all honesty, I don’t think he is a bad person.  I think he has some things in his life that he has not dealt with and I ended up getting hurt because of it.  What’s that saying?  “Hurt people hurt people”.  I really hope he gets the help he needs.  I hope he doesn’t hurt someone else this way.  I am still heartbroken and angry.  I will be ok though.  I know, when someone leaves this way, it is not about the person left behind.  Some people are just not capable of being honest when it is hard, I guess.

No regrets.  I’m glad I met J.  I’m glad he came into my life.  I’m glad he awakened all this love and passion in me again.  Even if it didn’t last. 

I still miss him.  I don’t hate him and I don’t want to slam him either.  I have  good memories of us. 

Eventually, I’ll move on.  I will love someone again.  I won’t let this experience harden me.  I will remain open.  And I wish J well.

on getting started

Ok, not sure where to start really …

My name is Dolores, I am 46 years old …

I am a woman, I am an alcoholic in recovery, I am a mother without a child, sister, aunt, daughter, friend … I am a survivor of abuse, abandonment and bad decisions … and tons of other shit too.  I want to share my story … my stories … because for so long I lived in fear and shame about who I was. I kept so many secrets and didn’t know who I was, really, or my purpose.  I lived in a state of depression and self loathing most of my life.  Today, I am free, I love myself, I am relatively happy most days. I don’t consider myself a victim of anyone or anything. I don’t think I have any profound wisdom, but I do have a lot to share, just like anyone does, maybe no one will read this, maybe it will just be for myself, who knows?  Maybe it will speak to somebody.

We all have stories to share.

I was born in 1972 at Good Sam hospital in Northwest Portland. I lived on Pettygrove street until my parents divorced when I was 5. I remember the arguing, I remember missing my dad, I like to joke that I have been cynical about relationships since I was 5 … kinda true sometimes … funny though.

Anyway, their divorce hit me hard for a long time … say, 35 years … along with a lot of other crazy stuff, too … then everything got better for me when I turned 40 … I finally grew up, got sober 12 days after my 40th birthday and I took charge of my life.  I realized I have choices.  My whole perspective on pretty much everything started to change … which is one reason why I always say that my 40’s have been the best years of my life.  Some people look at me like I am freakin’ crazy for actually liking myself in my 40’s … cause, come on, we live in a society that is obsessed with youth, so why the hell would someone actually PREFER their 40’s over their 20’s, right? Well, I really do, and I know lots of other women … and men … that do as well.

I plan to write about the subjects I know: being a woman, being a single, never married (but ok with it) woman over 40, being a mom without a child, adoption, recovery, addiction, depression, bipolar disorder, divorce, relationships, sex, abuse, abandonment, bad decisions, good decisions, low self-esteem, healthy self-esteem, and lots of other stuff too. I have wanted to join the blogging world for awhile, so, today is a good day to start.