This “break up” or “being ghosted” or whatever this is has got me all twisted up. I know it has only been three weeks now, it still consumes me. I am still shocked that J could do this.
I think I am an intuitive person and at this point in my life I certainly am not naive anymore. How did I get so duped by someone? How did I not see any signs?
I get that it is not about me. I do NOT feel bad about myself. I don’t beat myself up. I know that for someone to do this they would have to be pretty screwed up. Still, even though what he did is very wrong, I have some compassion for him. I mean, he MUST be really messed up to hurt another person like this.
Three and a half weeks later, I AM doing better. I still go between emotions of sadness and anger. I am hurt, I feel betrayed. Sometimes the pain is so intense I sob. Honestly, I don’t even know how I feel about the break up, because I am more hurt by HOW he did it. To just stop talking to me. To act like I am nothing, it is such a betrayal and so disrespectful of me.
After two days of silence from him, I knew it was not going to work out. I did not want it to, at that point, because I can’t be with someone who would do this. I have too much love and respect for myself. But, at that point, I still had hope that he would reach out to me to talk, to end things in an appropriate way.
I haven’t tried to reach out to him again. I won’t. I still don’t know why or what happened. Nobody over a sixth grade level ends things over a text or an unanswered question.
Maybe I was a rebound from his divorce, a distraction. Maybe he is a narcissist and gets off on screwing people over like this. Maybe he thought he wanted a relationship, but, as ours progressed, it scared him and he just bailed. I don’t know.
I just never saw any signs. That is the hardest part. He never pulled away or stopped talking to me less or seeing me less, he still came on as strong as he always had before with his compliments and attention. I never saw a glimpse of a person in him that could do this, who could turn so cold and cruel so quickly.
I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard after only six months together. My counselor says no matter how long something is or was, pain is still pain. True. My counselor says that these type of breakups always take longer to get over then if it would have been a “normal” break up. I have talked to other people that have had similar experiences and they say the same. No closure combined with his coldness makes it hard, but, really in any relationship ending, closure has to come from ourselves anyway. And I know it will come in time.
There are many things I do not know and will probably never know. But, what I do know is this:
It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t anything I did. There is nothing a person could do that would justify this kind of reaction from someone. A person that could do this to another has some serious issues. I get that. And I will not let this turn me off from future relationships or make it hard to trust someone again. I am just not going to let it. I will take the time I need to process this and get over him and what happened, so, someday, when I am ready, I won’t let it affect my next relationship. That is very important to me.
How good of a relationship would I have someday, anyway, if I can’t trust and make myself vulnerable? What is even the point then? So, no, I won’t hold it against someone else. I am not a bitter person, and this does not make me bitter towards men or relationships. J is just one person, just one man. Why hold this against every member of the opposite sex? I don’t and I won’t.
I am still glad I met J. My relationship with him was very fun and exciting and loving. I had an amazing time with him. We had a lot of fun together, laughed a lot, had the same kind of sense of humor, we could talk on the phone forever and the conversation always flowed, amazing sex and lots of affection, we had a lot in common … all those things that I wanted. I didn’t even know I could feel that way, or trust someone like I did him, so this experience taught me that I can. J showed me that I can, even if he screwed me over in the end.
I still choose to look at the positives in this experience and in him and our relationship. I don’t want to go back, but I do appreciate it, for some strange reason. I met someone and I took a risk. I am glad I did.
I have compassion for him. And some love too. I miss him. That being said, I also think what he did was selfish and cowardly, he disrespected and betrayed me. I have compassion, but not tolerance. I would never take him back. I don’t hate him and I don’t want to hate him. I really hope he gets the help that he needs.
And me? I am hurting, but I will let go and move on, eventually. I am not ready yet. I am a strong person and this certainly isn’t going to break me. I will feel all the feelings, I will process, I will grieve, it is a loss. It is crazy and I am just trying to make sense of it the best I can.
I don’t know why. Only J knows, and he isn’t saying.
Still, as always, no regrets.