J and I had been together almost six months … six amazing months of talking, laughing, good sex, growing close.  We never argued, not once.  I adored him.  I loved him.  I thought he was amazing.  And he told me all the same things … how beautiful and sexy I was, what a good person I was, how sweet I was, how he was so lucky, how I made him smile when he would think about me during his day.  I felt loved and safe with him.  I trusted him.

I never saw it coming.

It was a Friday night.  We had plans the next day, we were going snowshoeing.  I thought I was staying at his place after.  When we were together on Saturdays, I always stayed the night.  So, I guess I was wrong to assume that I would be staying the night, but, probably, anyone would have in my case.

We were on the phone, that Friday night, making plans, and he said he was doing something with his niece that Saturday night.  I remember getting annoyed and telling him I always stayed the night, I just assumed I was. We didn’t argue … there was not any yelling or rude comments.  Still, it was our first conflict.  Our first one ever.

I took a bath and called him back.  I wanted to make sure we were fine.  I felt a little insecure after the conflict happened, because it was the first one, and I know how easy it is to make assumptions or have unanswered questions.  He said he was fine.  I told him if he was still upset or had anything to say or ask me he could.  I just wanted to make sure we were ok.  He laughed at me and said, “I’m fine, Honey”.   I said, “Ok, I believe you”.  We talked about other stuff for a bit, said good night, and he told me that he loved me.

The next day, the last time I saw him,  we were together about six hours.  We drove up to the mountain.  I thought we had a good day, nothing unusual, he took a picture of me, we laughed and talked and snowshoed.  I showed him a beautiful view of Mt St Helens that I had found the last time I was there.  He dropped me off mid afternoon, messaged me later and said, “I’m home, Honey, have a good night”.

The next morning, we both said a quick good morning through text.  I was meeting friends for brunch and he was picking up some guys that were back from deployment at the airport.

Later that evening, I messaged him and asked him if he wanted to catch up on the phone later on before bed.  His response was, “Think I’ll pass, don’t want you getting angry with me over something I didn’t do”.  I was shocked. What was he talking about?  I texted him back, asking him what was going on.  I said, “I thought we were ok, you said we were ok when I asked you.”  He never responded to me.  I left him two voicemails that night asking to talk about whatever this was.  I left him a couple more text messages telling him I loved him and whatever this was I wanted to work this out.  No response.

Monday, nothing.

Tuesday morning, I sent him a quick text telling him I missed him and I hope he is doing ok.  No response.

Wednesday, nothing.

Thursday after work, I lost it.  I was sobbing and crying.  Why is he doing this?  Why would he just ignore me like this?  I texted him again letting him know I am here for him, that I wanted to talk about it, I am not mad, just hurt.  No response.  I left him another voicemail telling him I am so confused, I didn’t know what was going on.  No response.

Friday morning, I broke down crying at work.  I was so shocked by this behavior.  I trusted him, I felt safe with him, what was going on?  I couldn’t get it together.  I left work and left town for the weekend by myself, I needed to get away.  Saturday, he posted pictures on his IG account from our last day together.  Weird.  I reached out to him again with a short text that night telling him I loved and missed him, if this wasn’t going to work out, that is ok, but couldn’t we at least talk about it and part as friends?  I just didn’t get it.  No response.

Sunday evening, one week since he spoke to me, I reached out again.  I left him a voicemail.  I was crying.  I told him I knew this wasn’t going to work out, and that I am ok with that, I don’t want to be with someone that could do this, but, couldn’t he just tell me what happened?

He did respond that time.  In a text message.  He said something about how he is not going to have an emotionally charged conversation and something about the text messages, which I didn’t understand what he meant, (he was pretty vague).  Then, he said, that I was mad about one question he did not answer.  I didn’t (and still don’t) even know what he was talking about … this question … I have no clue.  He told me he does not want to work it out, or talk about it, but, he does think I deserve an answer.  That is it.  That is all he said.  His last words were “best of luck”.  Best of luck?  Really?  I left him one last voicemail.  I told him, “I wish you would man up and talk to me.  I think you are a pussy for ending it like this.  I feel sorry for whatever woman comes into your life next”.  Then, one final text thanking him for letting me see who he really was.  I deleted him off all of my social media, because, through out the whole week of him ignoring me, he was still watching all of my stories that I posted daily on IG.  Strange.

For me, it was a short, but intense,  relationship.  I was happy with him, with how things were going.  It is not the break up that devastated me as much as the way he chose to end things.  It was the way he did it, so cold and cruel, that hurts so much.  I feel used and betrayed.  I feel angry too.  I do not understand why.  I probably never will know.  How could someone who told me that he loved me all the time do a complete 180 like that with no warning?  How could someone who professed to care so much about me not even want to be my friend?  I will never have the answers.  I will eventually have to find peace about all of it.  I’m not there yet.  It’s only been two weeks.

In all honesty, I don’t think he is a bad person.  I think he has some things in his life that he has not dealt with and I ended up getting hurt because of it.  What’s that saying?  “Hurt people hurt people”.  I really hope he gets the help he needs.  I hope he doesn’t hurt someone else this way.  I am still heartbroken and angry.  I will be ok though.  I know, when someone leaves this way, it is not about the person left behind.  Some people are just not capable of being honest when it is hard, I guess.

No regrets.  I’m glad I met J.  I’m glad he came into my life.  I’m glad he awakened all this love and passion in me again.  Even if it didn’t last. 

I still miss him.  I don’t hate him and I don’t want to slam him either.  I have  good memories of us. 

Eventually, I’ll move on.  I will love someone again.  I won’t let this experience harden me.  I will remain open.  And I wish J well.